Wednesday, April 25, 2007

A message from the King

You may have heard of singer Sheryl Crow's position on the use of toilet paper. She thinks one square per visit is enough, and its a way we can all conserve the planet. Here is the official position of Major and Superior League Baseball on this issue, straight from KingLewis II, acting commissioner for life.

"First of all, let me state that I am a registered Republican, a major political fundraiser for Alaska Senator Ted Stevens, the sponsor of the famous bridge to nowhere, and a resident of Nowhere, Alaska. I realize that we Republicans have often not been in the front of policies to conserve our environment. As a conservative though, I would like to take this opportunity to call for some conservation.

Ms. Crow makes an excellent point. As a nation we are extremely wasteful, and it is embarrassing. Growing up on Tatooine, we often did not even have toilet paper. When I was a seven year old jawaling, I was given my first square of toilet paper. This was a tradition of our tribe, it meant that we had reached a right of passage. Let me tell you, we treasured that square. It would have to last us for at least a year. If we lost it in the sand dunes, we would not get another that year.

The sandpeople were wasteful. They would hoard their toilet paper. They would raid the human farms, always in search of more. And what would they do with it? They would meticulously detail the asses of their Banthas, using whole rolls of toilet paper!

It is rumored that once Tattooine was a forested planet, but the Tusken Raiders turned every tree on the planet into toilet paper. And to what end? To clean Bantha pudu!

This is the fate that we Americans must seek to avoid. I am fantastically wealthy and could afford warehouses of toilet paper, but I have never, ever used more than one square at a time. Please, do your part. Conserve. One square is more than enough"

King Lewis II
Acting Commissioner for Life.


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