Saturday, December 29, 2012

Interview With Conn

Kenny MVP Anderson sat down recently with Penguins’ star outfielder Conn the Barbarian. Here is Kenny’s interview:

Kenny:  Conn.  What was it like growing up with Conan as your father?

Conn: I remember days like this when my father took me to the forest and we ate wild blueberries.  More than 20 years ago.  I was a boy of four or five.  The leaves were so dark and green then.  The grass smelled sweet with the spring wind. [pause] Almost 20 years of pitiless cumber!  No rest, no sleep like other men.  And yet the spring wind blows, Subotai.  Have you ever felt such a wind?

Kenny: Say what?

Conn: It is never too late, Subotai.

Kenny: Who is Subotai? Kenny is Kenny.

Conn: For us, there is no spring.  Just the wind that smells fresh before the storm.

Kenny: What the hell are you talking about?  Kenny is asking about your father – Conan.

Conn: Father told me Fire and wind come from the sky, from the gods of the sky.  But Crom is my god, Crom and he lives in the earth.  Once, giants lived in the Earth, Conn. And in the darkness of chaos, they fooled Crom, and they took from him the enigma of steel. Crom was angered. And the Earth shook. Fire and wind struck down these giants, and they threw their bodies into the waters, but in their rage, the gods forgot the secret of steel and left it on the battlefield. We who found it are just men. Not gods. Not giants. Just men. The secret of steel has always carried with it a mystery. You must learn its riddle, Conn. You must learn its discipline. For no one - no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts. [pointing to his bat] This you can trust.

Kenny: So, what you’re saying is your father thinks that Penguins’ prospect Crom is your god?  Do you pray to him?  Does he know this?

Conn: Crom, I have never prayed to you before.  I have no tongue for it.  No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad.  Why we fought, or why we died.  All that matters is that two stood against many.  That’s what’s important!  Valor pleases you, Crom… so grant me one request.  Grant me revenge!  And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!

Kenny: It sounds like you don’t care for Crom.

Conn: He is Crom.

Kenny: Kenny will change the subject.  What do you think of your nickname “King Conn”?

Conn: I am no king!  I am son of king!  When father’s carcass lies in the desert sun rotting as the vultures feast, then I will be king.

Kenny: Any predictions for 2013? 

Conn: We will play.  I will crush the baseball, see it driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the women.

Kenny: You have said before you will exceed your father’s legacy.  Are these still your intentions?

Conn: Every day I punish myself until my sweat becomes blood. 

Kenny: Do you think you can get to 30-30 or 40-40?

Conn: I am Conn.


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