Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Ziggy

Former 1st round draft pick and THE player that marked a major shift in the Penguins’ philosophy toward pitching-first, Fred “Ziggy” Zeigenheimlich has announced his retirement from APBA. Ziggy, the player Dan Patrick knew he wanted when hired by the Penguins, was the first piece in the Penguin renaissance that ultimately lead to the “Year of the Penguin” in 2000. In 1995, the Penguins were coming off a legendary year with current hall of famers Wally Calhoun and Kenny Anderson along with still active great players like Gerald White, Jerry Tugwell, and Jason Baret. But they wanted more. They wanted to build toward something greater. So they drafted one of the shortest players in league history, Ziggy. Shortly after, the Penguins shifted to a 4 man rotation with Calhoun, Bryan Brooks, Ziggy, and Storm Morris culminating in their magical 2000 90 win season. Eventually Ziggy switched to the bullpen and became one of the game’s best closers in 2009 posting a 2.77 ERA with 25 saves for the 69 win Penguins. But Ziggy will always be remembered as a winner. He leaves the game with 170 wins. While he may not make the Hall of Fame, he certainly lived up to the career of his childhood hero, Dan Curry. Ziggy will immediately be inducted into the Penguins’ ring of honor and become the Penguins’ pitching coach. Kenny got to see Ziggy up close for many years and Kenny loves that little man. Shorty is one of the coolest cats Kenny ever met.

Charlotte gets Baker

The Charlotte Hawks shore up their bullpen by acquiring Orlando Baker from the Sluggers in exchange for pitcher Cameron Miller, shortstop Alfredo Carillo, and outfielder Carlos Quagmire.

Carillo immediately becomes the frontrunner for a starting shortstop job in Louisville. Quagmire gives the Sluggers a prospect to compete for a spot in their thin outfield.

Charlotte completes their offseason signings with veteran backups Bobby Rayburn (1.75 million) and Mateo Ozuna (1 million.)

The Sluggers sign Damon Nkik for 1 year, 1 million, as he attempts to prove he can still play after a terrible year in Miami. Louisville offers Nkik the best chance for playing time.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day signings

Anakin Solo resigns in Charlotte for 2 years and 20 million. He left some money on the table, but the chance to keep playing with his brother, for a team that just played in the world series was too much to pass on.

Wile E. Coyote, Super-Genius, put together a plan to land a big bat for Hawaii. He courted the biggest bat left on the market, Jack Collins. Collins was looking for a similar pay day to his teammate Ryan Harris, who got 7 years and 119 million. Hawaii was prepared to offer big bucks, but only for two years (the Coyote has a 2 year plan of domination.)

Collins was intrigued by the initial offer, and invited to the Island to discuss further options. He was greeted by Jake Cisco, and the Hawaii team held a Luau in his honor. They toured the Island, and Cisco showed Jack a 14 million dollar home for sale in his beachfront neighborhood. Later, the team roasted a pig in Jack's honor. After two days, Jack was scheduled to fly back to the mainland to compare offers from Bay Area, but the Coyote handed him a suitcase with an extra million dollars in cash if he signed immediately.

Collins signed, for 2 years and 37 million dollars. He'll play left field for the Hounddogs, and with Cisco and Mike Solar forms one of the most imposing middle of the orders in the game. Early predictions have Hawaii as favorites for the tough Major League West division.

Transactions 2-13-2011

Hawaii trades OF Carlos Merejo, pitcher Clint Kennedy, and a 2nd round 2012 draft pick to Green Day for outfielder Mike Dickerson. The move is primarily a salary dump for Hawaii, as they won't have to pay Merejo 6 million dollars next year.

Hawaii uses the savings to sign catcher Bruce Berano to a 2 year, 14 million dollar contract. Berano was mostly a DH last year, and really can't throw anymore, but he is still considered a solid handler of pitchers.

New York Cobra has announced that Jaret Benser, the team's top reliever for the last 3 seasons, will move back into the rotation for 2011. This leaves the closer job in the hands of either Jon Papelbrad or Rudiger Rocker. Both are cross-eyed, retarded Brad-like extraterrestrials.

Hawaii has been rumored to have made a contract offer to Anakin Solo as well, but no deal is imminent.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Free Agent Signings 2/12/11

Just a few signings today:

Kobe Jones $72/4 Baltimore
Michael Kelso $39/3 Springfield

Brugalmesh bashes Mighty Joe Young

Baltimore Team Chairman and General Manager Brugalmesh had some not so kind words for recently departed 1B/DH Mighty Joe Young. In an open letter to the fans of Baltimore published in today's newspaper, he stated the following:

"I am disappointed in the way Joe held our team and the league hostage with his "decision". Over the last several years, Baltimore has experienced unparalleled success, and has built our team into a perennial powerhouse. For Joe to leave our organization and take a pay cut in the process says a lot about his lack of character, and faith in both his former teammates, and our organization. Joe's reason for leaving is that the team has failed to win a World Championship. That's ridiculous. Winning a title is not a "right", and many times comes down to good old fashioned luck. Our "failure" to win a World Championship in the last 3 years is a fate that 27 of the 30 teams in the league have had to come to terms with. The truth is, our "failure" to win a World Championship is just as much attributable to Joe's lack of performance in the clutch as it has to do with bad luck. Look it up - Joe failed in several key moments in last years playoff run. Although I didn't say anything about it at the time, I had a feeling that Joe had already "checked out" on our team, when we were trailing in the series.

Mark my words, Baltimore will win a World Championship before Mighty Joe Young and the Miami Stars win one.

Sincerely,
Brugalmesh
Chairman, GM Baltimore Colts

Huge Trade

A shocking trade was completed today, between two of the best teams in the league of the last several years. The Baltimore Colts, who just lost Mighty Joe Young via free agency to the Miami Stars, have made a big splash. Joining them at the pool is the New York Cobra, themselves no strangers to unprecedented offseason acquisitions. Here is the deal:

Baltimore sends OF W. Gehrig Bear, OF Parker Brouthers, and P Jason Baret to New York in exchange for P Suzuke Mazdahonda, 3B Chris Phillips, and P Mark Shields.

Bear is one of the greatest hitters in the game today, and won the 2008 MVP award. Although Bear did not request a trade, it was rumored that after the loss of Mighty Joe Young, it would be difficult for Baltimore to retain his services past this season, when he is scheduled to become a free agent. Brouthers is included in the deal as a pure salary dump. Jason Baret, coming off a 20 win season in Baltimore's high profile offensive system, will be New York's #3 or #4 starter. New York Manager Eddie of Utah, is thrilled to have Baret in his rotation, as he is "a winner".

Going to New York is Mazdahonda, who has been one of the leagues dominant starting pitchers ever since coming over from the Elven leagues in 2007. He is signed until the 2012 season. 3B Chris Phillips disappointed in part time play last year, but is still relatively young and skilled (and cheap). He may play some at 1B for Baltimore. Mark Shields may be the key to this deal however. Shields is a 24 year old rookie who with a 9Y rating, may be destined to become a front of the order starting pitcher.

This move immediately shifts the focus of the fantasy sports talk world away from Miami, and towards New York again. This may have been one of the motivations for the trade. One wonders if the trade had been made a few days ago, would Joe Young have opted to sign in New York? We can only wonder.

Clearly, the big winner in this trade is Eddie of Utah. Eddie has been lobbying Brad for a number of years to abandon the dominant and expensive power pitching that Brad had built the Cobra foundation upon in favor of a more dominant offensive team. Eddie believes that he can build a winning pitching staff "on the cheap", but truly elite hitting talent can only be acquired at a high cost.

Pitchers and catchers report in just 3 days!

The Joe Young story

The Joe Young you see on the field today is the best all around hitter the league of APBA baseball has ever seen. But baseball is only a small part of the story of Joe Young, a story of triumph over trajedy, of friendship, and above all, an unfulfilled desire to win at the highest level.

Joe was born in Africa, and while an infant lost his mother to a murderous poacher. A human girl, Jill Young, also lost her mother in the attack (she was trying to save the gorillas), and ended up raising the baby gorilla, giving him the name Joe Young. After Joe had grown to tremendous size, they moved to Los Angeles, but found trouble across the seas, fought the evil poacher again, and eventually returned to a nature preserve in Africa. Joe, however, could not leave aside one thing he found in the United States: His love for baseball. Joe and Jill returned to California in 1994, where Joe accepted a baseball scholarship to the University of Southern California. After his junior year where Joe hit .484 with 57 homers in 73 games, he was considered the top prospect in the land. His team, however, had fallen just short of the college world series. So Joe would have to make APBA wait. Returning for his senior year, Joe brought a championship to coach Mike Gillespie.

Joe spent the 1999 season in the APBA minors, and then was drafted #1 overall by the Las Vegas Gamblers. He was 24 years old as a rookie, a bit old for the debut of such a super talented ballplayer, but won the rookie of the year award by hitting .315 with 35 homers and 105 RBI, while throwing out 37 percent of opposing basestealers. Las Vegas, however, won only 73 games, and manager Roberto Ramos was fired after the season. Little do people realize how close the devastated Joe Young was to calling it quits, returning to Africa, and leaving the sport as one of the greatest one hit wonders of all time. Enter the new manager, Juan Alou.

Juan was a extraterrestrial bird who despised losing more than anything else. His first act as manager was to sit down with Joe Young, and convince him to stay. Juan helped Joe understand that the journey would not be easy, but together they could find a way to stop losing. And when they did that, it could mean only one thing: They would win. It sure wasn't easy. In 2001, Joe improved his numbers, hitting .328 with 38 homers, but the team was even worse, losing 105 games. Joe kept hitting the next 3 years, and the team kept improving, from 77 to 81 to 86 wins. While they had a winning record in 2004 finally, ownership had given up. They felt that they would never be able to surround Joe with the talent he needed to win a championship unless they dealt some veterans to bring in more young talent. And the biggest trade chit they held was none other than Joe Young. During the winter meetings, a trade was agreed to that would sent Joe to the Baltimore Colts in a blockbuster deal. Juan Alou would not have it though, he went to ownership, resigned on the spot, and said "if he goes, I go." Startlingly, his demand was agreed to, and a swap of managers became part of the deal, Juan going to Baltimore and Boba Fett taking over in Las Vegas.

In Baltimore, the now 29 year old Joe Young gave up catching. Baltimore had a promising young catching prospect in Jesse Myers, and convinced Joe that playing first base and DH would allow him to stay in the lineup more often. The move worked wonders. Freed from the nagging injuries that all catchers suffer, Joe set career highs with a .331 average and 46 homeruns. He won his first MVP award. He followed that with an even better year in 2006, .340 with 47 homers and 133 RBI, winning his second MVP award. Still, not all was right. Baltimore did not have losing records in his first 3 years there, but with no more than 85 wins each year, failed to make the playoffs. The 2007 season was especially frustrating as their 85 wins fell one short of the division leader.

This would change in 2008. Everything came together for Baltimore. Young outfielder Wellington Gehrig Bear won an MVP himself, teaming with Joe to produce the game's most fearsome 3-4 hitters. With slick fielding, power hitting shortstop Kobe Jones and 20 game winner Storm Morris, Baltimore won 106 games and cruised to a division title. In the playoffs, they disappointed, losing the SLCS to the Miami Stars. For 3 years running, the results were the same: the most dominant offense in the league, an easy division win, and a quick exit from the playoffs. Joe Young's game reached new heights, he hit .351 with 55 homers and 153 RBI in 2009, then .334 with 49 homers, 143 RBI in 2010. He won MVP honors each year, becoming the first four time MVP in league history. Joe had signed a free agent megadeal after the 2009 season, but had included the right to opt out if he failed to win the world series title.

He did so, and searched for a new place to show his talents, and above all, finally win a ring. Several teams have tried to make cases for him. The New York Cobra are always in contention for a world series, and have the highest payroll and most star studded roster in the sport. Bay Area, winners of the Major League west division, have a ton of young talent and the resources to be a league power. The Utah Utes have the history as the greatest multiyear championship run ever, and still have the talent to win another as they hope to team Joe with Frank Lewis in Battletrap's bases loaded offense. The Miami Stars have reached 2 of the last 5 world series and manager RJ Duke is convinced they are headed back.

Now we bring you live to The Herman Sports Network studios:

Joe Young, what's the decision?

Joe: I'm taking my talents to South Beach.

The deal is reported as a six year contract for 145 million dollars. Here to answer a few questions about his newest player is RJ Duke:

RJ, how do you like your team's chances for the world series next year?

RJ: We're going to win it. I guarantee it. If I'm wrong, then I will retire as manager. Joe Young is the greatest hitter I've ever seen.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Buck Jackson to manage in Baltimore

Our sources tell us that Joe Young is close to a free agent deal out of Baltimore, and that Juan Alou is looking to follow Joe wherever he goes. Baltimore has not been a factor in the Joe Young bidding, and has chosen to move forward and hire a manager to replace Juan.

Buck Jackson, 42, was a dual sport star in baseball and football. With the 1995 Stars he hit 42 homers, stole 52 bases, and struck out 209 times. During the offseason, he sustained a hobby related hip injury while playing football for the Los Angeles Razors. Buck was put back together, but lost his speed and was not the same baseball player for the next two years. He retired in 1998. After a decade staying home with his family, Buck felt the need to get back into the sport, and most recently managed Baltimore's top minor league affiliate, the Baba Bowie Colts.

Buck says he can turn the Baltimore playoff woes around with or without Joe Young. He intends to bring a tougher, football mentality to the team. We are sure he'll get along with center fielder Darin Elam, who once was a punter. At a pre-season fan meetup, the Baltimore fans were excited to welcome Jackson, saying we must respect the Buck, and the team will no longer just be Bucking around.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Free Agent Signings 2/7/11

Today, two more big signings were announced.

1.  Ryan Ballard resigns with Utah for a 2-year deal valued at $25 million total.  Ballard will DH for Utah, a role he has excelled in the past few seasons.  This signing officially takes Utah out of the Mighty Joe Young sweepstakes.

2.  Ryan Harris resigns with Bay Area for $119 million over 7 years.  This is the same contract that Alex Maldonado received from Denver earlier in the offseason.

3.  Over the weekend, Jacen Solo resigned with Charlotte for 3-years and $36 million.

MJ Young Update:
Our sources tell us its now down to 5 teams:  New York Cobra (who our source says is in the lead - thanks, Brad!), Miami Stars, Baltimore Colts, Bay Area Bandits, and a mystery team.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Free Agent Signings - February 5, 2011

Today, there was finally some movement with some of the big name free agents, plus some other teams making roster adjustments.  Here are the signings:

Miguel Tejawa resigns with Hollywood for $138 Million over 6 years.  Miguel is now the leagues highest paid player on a per year basis.

Utah makes a series of moves to solidify their infield for next season:
Previously signed legend Lou Zamuda will most likely shift to 2B next season.  To fill the shortsop gap for one season (while the team awaits the arrival of future all-star SS Chad Richardson), the team signed longtime winner Kurt Scherman to a one year, $2 Million dollar contract.  

To fill the 3B role, Utah turns to longtime Ute Doug Dodson, resigning him to a 6 year contract valued at $90 Million dollars.

Utah still has some money left and not too many holes to fill.  My sources tell me that sooner rather than later, they will reach out to free agent Joe Young to see if he is ready to sign.  If he does not commit, the source says Utah will move on and resign Ryan Ballard.  Ballard is receiving numerous contract offers but would prefer to stay in Battletrap's offense in Utah.  However, Ballard has said that he cannot sit on the sidelines all offseason waiting for Joe Young.  

Also resigining some of their own players was the reigning World Series Champion Philadelphia Grays.  The Grays resigned 2B and leadoff man Jimmy Taylor, for 4 years and $40 million.  Philadelphia also retains the services of platoon OF Corey Sloan.  Sloan inks a 2 year, $8 million dollar contract.  

In other moves, the Mars Eyebiters purge a little bit of payroll by trading 3B Kana Wake (1 year left at $19 million) to the Alaska Snowsox in exchange for RP Luther Trautwein (owed $16 over the next 2 years) and 3B Oscar Martinez (league minimum salary).  Martinez is a solid if unspectacular player, and will play 3B for Mars.  Alaska is hoping to make a big push for the division title next year with Kana Wake completing their infield.  Wake will provide a bigger bat in the middle of the lineup, and is also the best defensive 3B in the game today.